19 = Nineteen

Dear Little man and Beetlelee Bea,

We had a busy month. Unfortunately neither Dada or I were very good about taking pictures.

This month we had a baby shower for a old friend of mine. It was in the party room of the condo that she and her husband live in.......the party room on the 33rd floor!!! It was a beautiful space and a beautiful room but it had a large deck that people were hanging out on and so the two of you were interested in being out there too. I have to admit, it made me really nervous. The worth mentioning part is what you guys were eating while we were there. I have been struggling the last couple of months with trying to make healthy foods that meet the current requirements of kids that want to feed themselves and that don't require too much chewing because we don't have all our molars yet. This isn't easy and we tend to still have one meal a day that is spoon fed to you to make sure you get a bunch of veg in. But at this party, they had a Mexican food spread, both of you were eating mouthfuls of Spanish rice, spicy grilled corn salad that had bits of jalapeno in it, refried beans and buckets of salsa. This isn't totally bizarre for Gabe but Bea you are a pickyish eater. There was another set of twins there that were 9 months old. It brought back memories of you guys all tiny and how tired we were for so long.

We also had a fantastic visit to Grammy and Papa G's in Ottawa. I was worried about how well you guys would travel this time. Neither of you liked the trip over Christmas and you are only older and more mobile now. We cheated fate and borrowed a car DVD player from friends and boy did it ever help out! When you guys got bored of looking out the window, which usually happens about an hour into any trip, we popped in a video and you would both be transfixed. Especially Gabe who would laugh every time the DVD player came on. I think you just couldn't believe that you got to watch TV....we watch so little of it at home. Both of you are at an age where you can almost sit through a program, Gabe is better at this than Bea who gets distracted and finds something to play with or tries to touch the TV or cable box which is off limits. This was the same in the car. But Bea you will sit happily and look out the window if you have a NUK. On the way up we stopped at a great little lake side outlook point and let you guys eat your packed lunch and run around a little. Both of you LOVE the outdoors, I think your both like your daddy that way.

Look who found the cookies
While in Ottawa Valley we had a big family BBQ on Granny's would be birthday. All your cousins were there and O'Boy did you guys have fun!! On the compound there is a big play gym and they had gotten an inflatable bouncy castle for the day which Gabe lived in and Bea you were terrified of. Every time we got close to it you held on to me like a little monkey. You were happy hanging out with the grandparents and great grandparents moving from one lap to the next charming everyone. It was nice to have so many people looking out for you two and gave Dad and me a chance to be social. The weird part of the day is that both dad and I got sun burnt (and I got bitten by bugs) but neither of you got burnt or eaten. Could it be that my babies are little tanners and not the whitey that I am??

Once we got home you guys had a really long sleep that night. I think the whole trip really tuckered you out, it did me!

This has been a crazy month for personality forming. You are both really finding your own and it has been really funny to watch.

Bea, you are full of beans. You are strong willed and once upset about something have a hard time coming down. You are the one to have the temper tantrums. You steal toys and take what you want. You are also very cuddly, will happily snuggle up and love having one of us all the yourself. When you talk to us it is with a face like what you are saying is very important. You are very very smart and truly understand everything that is going on. Really if you don't co-operate it is because of your stubbornness not because you don't know whats going on. As far as talking you want to know how to communicate not really learn what things are. You love music and love to dance, even just to the tune that I am singing. I know this sounds like a list of negatives but in truth I wouldn't want my little girl to be any other way. I know as a young woman I will never have to worry about you getting bowled over, picked on or mistreated. You won't be naive or a sheep. You have a mind of you own.

Gabe, you are sweetness and intelligence. You still thoughtfully read books...out loud! It is a bunch of baby talk until you get to a word you know and then "apple" or "car". The funny part is you even put the right inflection in your voice like when I am reading it to you. You are VERY busy and are always doing something, like you have a mission or a job to get done. You also seem to be a bit of a daydreamer, staring out the windows and watching the world go by. This month has been all about "Dada" and always asking where he is. The Gabe, Bea and Gertie stampede to the door when he gets home is a highlight of the day. You will also beg to go outside "ooots oooots ooots keys keys oooots" shoes and trees, your way of telling us.

I have to admit I am having a harder and harder time writing these every month. You are both so busy and so much is going on but what I write seems to not do it any justice. You are way more interesting, way cuter than the pictures show and so funny!!

One and a half years old!!!

Dear Bea and Gabe,

So here we are at 18 months...HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

And again like every other month I will tell you about how this one was my favorite.

You have both become the most amazing little personalities but really this month was all about language.....HOLY COW the constant talking!!

gory= Story

gug gory= good story

nye nye= nite nite

me me= Mini (the cat)

Key= tree

Oaths= Shoes

Ah lala= Umbrella

Beh= Bear

Ish= Fish

Bahl= Ball

Boo Bahl= Blueberry

Pah pah= Puffs

Cah= Car

Uck= Duck

At= Hat

Meh=Cow (I think you're Mooing)

Ahoooo =Cat (you are meowing)

Ig= Pig

ight= Light

Beebee= Baby when it doesnt mean Bea Bea

and owl, wolf, yum, apple, car, babah, Dada, Mama, Goggy, Tub, Geeb and even sometimes Gabe, Beebee or Geegee. We are getting poo down too but you both only want to tell me AFTER the event instead of a warning. You both will try to copy words as I say them if we are reading a book. And the amount that you actually understand is amazing

National Pants on your Head Day...this game lasted for hours

The best story of the month explains what monkeys the two of you have become. I was in the kitchen making lunch and peeking in on the two of you playing. I thought it was a bit of a myth that if the kids are too quiet they are up to no good but it is really true. The two of you had stopped talking endlessly and I knew something was up. One peek found Bea up ON TOP of the dining room table and Gabe on a chair on his way up. Bea you were just sitting there eating some of the food I had already put out. The meltdown that followed from putting you both back down on the floor.......well there really is no need to comment.

I like that Bea is posing for the camera.......and yes I know your in plastic diapers!! It was a laundry emergency day

Both of you only want to feed yourselves and we are trying to learn how to use a fork. Meals that involve being spoon fed make you both angry and I can only get any into you if I sing really loudly......THE BEACH BOYS.....now I don't know any Beach Boys songs but I kind of know the tune so I make up lyrics and then add what little of the chorus that I know. This means I shovel in as much as I can while the two of you dance in your chairs. I have a feeling my technique will be short lived and we will have to find a better trick for the coming months or at least till you have enough teeth to eat the bowls of veg.

One thing that has become obvious as the nicer weather is upon us is that the two of you both got your Dads complexion. The few really nice days we have had so far have been spent in the backyard. While I come in burnt, the two of you are fine. Once summer hits I plan on the three of us wearing so much sunblock that this experiment will end.

Both of you have become great walkers and are even doing a little running. My favorite run is the one towards me when I hold my arms out for hugs. I love my monkeys

Mama

Pain in the.....

I am tired......not the kinda tired where you want to go to bed but the kinda tired where you wish your brain would shut up. I have been sleeping better unfortunately with the help of Advil every night. It helps keep the swelling of the carpal tunnel down. I still have to wear the VERY sexy wrist braces and wake up with no feeling in my hands at all but at least I am not waking up numerous times a night in pain. Although I would prefer to avoid any medical intervention I am desperate for the symptoms to stop. I have spent thousands of dollars on natural anti-inflammatories, done the exercises, worn the braces almost constantly and gobbled Advil. It is a daily fight so it looks like the surgery is the only way I will obtain the relief I so need. I know that losing some weight will help too but even the endocrinologist that is treating my Hashimotos says that this disease is one that causes inflammation so this will be my lot in life. It should prove interesting to care for two toddlers with casts on both my wrists for two weeks.......

Learning to Let GO

My husband and I have been going to a marriage counselor. The stress of twins and living on one income in a very expensive city has had its toll on us. Things weren't horrible, they never really are with us but they just got......flat and we were snapping at each other a lot. So we decided to make ourselves divorce proof and got help. We are actually really enjoying it.

In our bi-weekly sessions one of the things that has come up is that both of us are only children. Neither of us was particularly spoiled but we were and are very independent and have never had to consider someone into all we do. I was also raised by a very hard working single mom and spent an enormous amount of time by myself. This isn't a terribly bad thing, I enjoy time alone but when you learn how to cook at a young age because your mom works late a lot......some habits of lonerness are formed. It also doesn't give you a very good blueprint on what a working marriage looks like or how it functions.

And to digress, I was married in 1997 to someone else. The marriage lasted two years and it was the hardest two years of my life followed by more hard years. My first husband had some serious problems and the only way I knew how to love him was trying to fix him. The problems is, you can't fix people and so I spent an enormous amount of time propping up our lives to make it look like we were ok. I took care of everything and I was good at it. I wasn't good at fixing him but I was good at something so I kept doing it. All it did was confirm my independence.

I was raised a girl, surprise surprise, with all the fairy tales, barbie dolls and living happily ever after. I don't think I ever believed that a knight on a white horse would come and 'rescue' me. Why would I think that with a mom that was working her ass of to get by? But I knew that I didn't want to do it the way my mom did. I wanted a partner, a lover, a husband, a Big Daddy. And absolutely no fucking idea how to do it. And this is where the counselor has been helpful. The part of marriage that my husband and I aren't good at is 'making clear our needs'. As totally unromantic as it is you have to teach your partner how to look after you. Once this is learned then you can relax into the romance that you are being unspokenly taken care of. Truth is, I wasn't saying anything and then getting resentful that my emotional needs weren't getting met. The weird thing about all this is once my husband and I started doing this everything changed. I didn't have to silently take care of everything, as the habit goes, and hate him for not participating. It has also made me realize that I am married to a really nice guy and the fact that he is so willing to go to the counsellor and listen to her advice and use it.........But the problem with this is it has left me in a position of having to 'deal with my shit' and I don't like it.

I believe strongly in 'The Mind Body Connection'. I think a great deal of our physical health is connected to our mental health. I have always felt more connection with eastern philosophy and the eastern philosophy about medicine. Yeah Yeah Western medicine is fantastic and Weeeeeeee science but at what point do we stop treating the symptoms and start to treat the disease?

I don't feel good and I don't mean 'I can't kick this cold' but just generally under the weather for over 10 years. Its not all the time and I know it sounds crazy but it has been along time since I felt 'good'. I have been tested for everything and there have been some breakthroughs including a diagnoses of Hashimotos disease which they said might have been causing some of the other health issues. So now I am on Synthroid for the rest of my life but the problem is that I still don't feel great and have been unable to lose any of a steady weight gain that started with the demise of my first marriage. And then it happened, in discussion with the counselor the first marriage came up and how I have 'survived', and the emotional luggage that I have been dragging around with me and it all started to make sense. In Chinese medicine the thyroid is part of the throat chakra. Illness and disease in this area is from being unable to speak your mind or 'find your voice'. And then I cried. I knew then that my thyroid gave up after years of me not saying what had to be said, of me not defending myself and I had been gaining weight as a result of a dying thyroid and a way to create a shell to protect myself and block out the outside world.

But now that I have this information, I am a little unsure as to what to do with it. I know the obvious but how does that work in actual life? How to you set it into motion? How do you let go?

17

Dear Bea and Gabe

Yesterday came and went and now you are 17 months old. I remember my pregnancy feeling like it was endless. And mine wasn't even as long as most! But how can the pregnancy feels so long and the baby time feels so short. It is official, if there was a governing body of such things, you are no longer babies and now you are toddlers. And like I say every month.....this is my favorite time. It really does just get better and better.

We are in a stage now where every day is different and new. From one day to the next new words will be learned or physically something will change. It makes every day so much fun. The one thing that I have been trying to instill in both of you from a young age is the love of music and dancing and I think that you are both into it. Bea, you will dance to everything and anything. Bobbing up and down, bouncing on your bum and swinging your arms around kind of like doing the twist. Gabe, you bounce up and down too but your arms do more of a waving "hi' like crazy thing and you both sing while you're doing it. Sing is "ahhhhh ahhhhhha ahhhhhhh" I am always surprised that you know all the words.

Gabes Playing in the yard

I have mentioned it before but I have been teaching you guys sign language. Just the simple basic communication stuff but one of the signs this month turned into words. "All done" the sign is now "Ahhhhhhh Daaaaaaaa" while signing. It is unbearably cute.

Gabes, we have learned about cars and trucks. If I ask about them you will run to the window to climb the couch and point out the cars and trucks. Car sounds like 'carrr' but trucks sounds like "cwuck'. Now Bea is on to this new fun game.

We have picked up a couple of other new words this month, "oooooooo yah" and "gabba gabba" the only tv show you watch. We seem to have Mama and Dada down now although it isn't always the right parent for the name. In fact, sometimes Bea, you will walk around pointing to yourself and saying "mama mama mama' And to be really cute you have both come up for names for the other. Bea, you call Gabe "Geeeee" and Gabe you called Bea Bea "Gigee" You call each other from room to room, so my day is full of "Geeee Geeeee GEEEEE" and "Gigeeeeeee" and you both come running when the other one calls.

This is a picture of you guys watching Yo Gabba Gabba with Daddy before bedtime. Daddy is singing along......Gabe is VERY tired

Bea my comedienne, you have started making this face. And because it makes everyone laugh so much you now make it all the time. You do this and then pretend to chew like a old lady with no teeth. The whole thing is so weird it makes me laugh every time.

We have these plastic rings that are to attach toys to objects but Bea, you have decided they make good bracelets. Where you got the idea I don't know cause I don't wear any jewelry but you walk around very ladylike while you have them on

You are both full time walkers now and almost never crawl. You are still tentative on uneven surfaces and don't like walking on the lawn so far. The recent development is walking while holding stuff. The ability to move stuff around so much has made the daily mess you guys make triple so we have started cleaning up at the end of the day WITH you and not doing it after you're in bed. I also have to mention that Gabe has the silliest cutest walk ever. My little man stomps around like his legs are little pistons, straight up and down, clomp clomp, arms straight. LOVE IT!

GAHHH I love you guys!!!

Sweet 16

Dear Beatrice and Gabriel

Today you are 16 months old. I am still trying to figure out where the time goes.

This month has been full of changes again. WE ARE WALKING!!!! and crashing! It is amazing how everything really does just happen one day. One day you are mostly crawling and then the next both of you are walking all over the place. I have gotten lots of video in the last couple of weeks cause I just can't stand the cuteness. Bea you have decided that "Goggy" isn't just for the dog but for everything and you point and say it constantly. The only thing that isn't a Goggy is the cat which is still "meow" or "ow". Both of you are saying "hi" regularly. You will say it to anyone entering the room but you will say it to me even if I haven't left. For serious cuteness, Bea will pat you on the hand while saying hi. I LOVE your little voices.

Something happened over the last month that turned you guys into toddlers from babies. You are both starting to really mimic things we say and have a much more complicated thought process. In the tub a couple of days ago, Gabe drank a bit of the tub water and coughed a bit. I guess Bea you saw the attention he was getting and so you bent over and pretended to drink some of the water too. Then stood up and faked a cough. You were so pleased with yourself when you got attention too. You still do the fake cough every once and a while to get attention.

This is a picture of you guys tormenting the cat.

You are both doing such silly stuff. Gabe you are so bonkers for blueberries that you will pack so many in your mouth at once that you can't close it. We have had to start giving you only a couple at a time. You both love anything on noodles and scrambled eggs. I can hide spinach in the eggs and cover noodles in the most garlicky chicken tomato sauce as long as there is a little grated cheese in there too. I love all the healthy food you two will eat and although I know in a couple of years I will be begging the two of you to close your mouth so I can't hear you smacking your chops, for now I love the sound.

Gabe you are still our little book worm, asking me to read to you all the time. The fact that you love books so much gives me reassurance that your eye site isn't suffering from all the eye issues. You latest thing is to carry stuff around with you. Things need to be taken places and you are making sure they get there. When I do read books I follow along with my finger and you watch the words fly by. I can see you making connections, I can see the little wheels turning. You are thoughtful and very sweet. You seem to have an affinity for lamb. If there is a lamb in any book it immediately needs to be kissed. You will kiss it and then lay your head down on the book. You are also incredably physical and I often find you up on top of things. We call you 'monkey boy' right now. You are really into testing boundries right now and will do the thing we say no to over and over to see if the answer is still no. Maybe you are a little stubborn like your dad.

Bea you are still a comedienne. Pulling faces and very aware of the faces you are making because you can make the same face we are making at you. You are quick to laugh and will repeat anything you do that gets a laugh. You charm everyone that comes over. Playing 'peak a boo' and flirting. You are a great sleeper and will happily go down without much trouble and will sleep in and wake up happy.

We are both completely weened now too. None of your feeding was how I had wanted things to go. My dream was to breast feed for the first year of my babies life but the cards I was delt made that difficult. Instead I had twins and premies that had an easier time feeding from a bottle than breast, so I pumped every three hours for 7 months. I would set my alarm to get me up even if you guys were sound alseep. At about 5 months old I was having a hard time producing enough for you guys so we started supplimenting Bea Beas bottle with formula. This doesn't seem fair but Gabe couldn't tolerate formula after his tummy surgery and we were told to make sure he got as much breast milk for as long as we could do. At 7 months I was diagnosed with Hashimotos disease and the medication meant no more breast feeding. So I slowly weened you guys onto formula. It was at this point that I introduced solids anyway and we weren't drinking much formula anyway. But now we are all sippy cups of water or watered down juice. Gabe still goes to bed with a bottle but it just water and sometimes you don't even drink it. I think it is a bit of a comfort to have it there more than anything. I miss the breast feeding!! I miss all the cuddles.

I really love you guys

Mama

Am I crazy??

So the husband and I are serious considering moving to the country. In fact it isn't just a serious consideration but a serious plan. He is looking for work in the area we plan to move. Once that is lined up we will start to house hunt.


This again is all about how much I feel like I have changed in the last couple of years. My husband always lamented the fact that I had no desire to ever leave the city. There were so many reasons for us to stay, my work, good schools for the kids, the fertility clinics we needed to have the kids, our friends, our history, etc etc. He has always wanted some property, some land and that I could understand but the idea of full time life out there just never made sense for/to me. I also don't have a drivers licence and the idea of trying to get one this late in life........well more than anything I am a chicken!!


So now I have spent the last year and change at home being a full time mom and I love it. The dreams of finishing design school or of even working in the design field are all but gone. I want a life that affords us the option of me staying at home until the kids are in full time school and the option of having another baby.....or two.

Instead of being chicken I am learning about chickens. How to raise them, the different species etc. I am really looking forward to the challenge and I am excited about another major change. But with all the excitement and forward looking....am I missing the boat on how hard this is going to be?? Am I not paying attention to the stress of the changes? Am I crazy??